Crazy Conservative Contradictions:1. There is no need to regulate corporations! The free market dictates that all corporations will act in the best interest of the consumer or be put out of business by the “Invisible Hand.”
The Conservative Contradiction: Corporations only exist to make money. You cannot expect them to do anything that will interfere with the bottom line. They cannot concern themselves with environmental issues or customer safety if it is more profitable to ignore them. You, as the consumer, need to be more careful!
—2. Corporations should have all the rights of a person. They should be free to exercise their First Amendment rights and buy influence elections just like any other citizen of the United States.
The Conservative Contradiction: Corporations are not people so they cannot be treated like any other citizen of the United States. You can’t arrest them for manslaughter or negligent homicide even if they DID add known carcinogens to that baby food on purpose.
Ultimate Contradiction: Unions (basically, a group of people pooling their resources) should not be allowed to influence elections. It corrupts the democratic process.
—3. You should never try to organize labor. That’s selfish. Unions extort money from corporations, inflate the salaries of workers and give them unearned benefits like maternity leave and pensions. Union workers are greedy and do not care about the companies they work for. The fact that they are paid so well is a sure sign that they are wrong.
The Conservative Contradiction: How dare you try to limit CEO pay and severance packages?! Those people work hard and earn every penny they get, even if they drove the company right into bankruptcy! So what if they took billions of tax payers’ money to stay afloat, they still deserve those bonuses!
—4. All liberal celebrities should shut the hell up. They don’t know what they’re talking about and should leave politics to politicians. Liberal celebrities aren’t real Americans anyway because they’re from Hollywood!
The Conservative Contradiction: Here to explain to you how liberal policies are unpatriotic and probably illegal are Victoria Jackson, Kelsey Grammer and Jon Voight.
—5. The Government cannot create any jobs at all and can never reduce unemployment, only the private sector can do that.
The Conservative Contradiction: The Government has too many people on its payroll; we have to reduce the number of public sector jobs.
Ultimate Contradiction: See how many public sector jobs we’ve lost under Obama? He made unemployment worse!
—6. We really invaded Iraq to get rid of a terrible dictator and it had nothing to do with 9/11.
The Conservative Contradiction: Why is Obama invading Libya?! To take down a terrible dictator?! How is that our problem?!
—7. Osama bin Laden was responsible for 9/11 because he gave the order to carry out the attack.
The Conservative Contradiction: President Obama can’t take ANY credit for the death of Osama bin Laden because all he did was give the order to carry out the attack.
—8. Any journalist, politician or private citizen that questions President Bush during a time of war is a traitor.
The Conservative Contradiction: During this time of war it is our patriotic duty to question President Obama about every little detail of his agenda.
9. Providing billions in tax-payer money to people in dire financial straits is Socialism and will lead to the destruction of the country.
The Conservative Contradiction: Providing trillions in tax-payer money to banks in dire financial straits is Capitalism and will lead to the salvation of the country.
10. We must protect innocent fetuses by any means necessary. Terrorism and assassination is justifiable because we are protecting children!
The Conservative Contradiction: Providing pregnant women with medical care and proper nutrition is a burden on the tax-payers and we can’t afford it. We need that money to fight terrorism!
11. Islam is a religion of terrorists! They murder innocents in the name of Allah and that’s just wrong! That’s why we’re better than they are!
The Conservative Contradiction: All homosexuals should be put to death! They are the work of Satan! If we cannot pray away their gay then we must do as the Jayzus commands and stone them to death!
12. My freedom of religion is absolute! It says so right there in the Constitution! You can’t restrict my right to worship where and how I want!
The Conservative Contradiction: Those damn Muslims keep putting up mosques wherever the hell they want! Who do they think they are?! That should be illegal!
13. The Constitution is inviolate! Why are liberals always trying to shred the Constitution?!
The Conservative Contradiction: We should just ignore the 14th Amendment! It allows anchor and terror babies! We have to protect ourselves from the furrners!
14. Damn liberals always trying to select activist judges that will just “interpret” the Constitution however they want to fit their Socialist agenda! The Founding Fathers knew what they were doing and we should also follow their intent, not just make it up as we go along!
The Conservative Contradiction: Citizens United? I think the Supreme Court did a fine job of interpreting the Constitution to fit our much more complex times, don’t you?